I am "the one".

Written Sunday, May 25, 2014:

In this moment, I just realized I have an opportunity to better understand what partaking of the sacrament can (and should) mean to me--as I sit in this Children's Hospital and watch my daughter struggle to breathe.  

For many terrifying, never-ending minutes this morning, Charlotte's eyes closed and she became completely unresponsive.  Thankfully, although her breathing was labored she was still breathing.  Yet, she would not respond to voices or people rubbing her body in an effort for her to stir.  Not even when nurses sat her up did she open her eyes.  Not any inkling of acknowledgment that she was being pestered, poked, prodded.  Her body was limp and she would not wake up.  Before I knew what was happening, three doctors and several nurses including a respiratory therapist were in the room all working together to help Charlotte.  They crowded around her bed and I worried that my desire to be close to my daughter was actually getting in the way.  Panic begin to invade my heart as I knew Charlotte was in trouble and needed help. I also felt completely useless as there was obviously nothing I could do, aside from calling to her with a trembling voice.  "Charli, wake up.  Charli, open your eyes and look at Mama."  Doctors and nurses rattled stats back and forth, and even though I could tell they were concerned almost as much as I was, they seemed to somehow have order in the chaos of the moment.  The respiratory therapist finally stated loudly that they should not delay any further the suction treatment as her respiratory rate was becoming more labored despite her limp composure.  Each medical professional gave their concurrent permission and the respiratory therapist began to suction Charlotte's lungs.  

I think under normal circumstances I'd have fought back feelings of Mama Tiger as the catheter was threaded down my child's throat, and the sounds of sickening mucus filled the room.  However, in this case I was incredibly thankful as this unpleasant intrusion seemed to snap her from her lethargic state.  Her eyes opened wide in panicked surprise and she began to cry.  What relief filled all our hearts!  Obviously, she was frightened to suddenly see so many people over her.  Standing at the foot of her bed, I began  to talk to her and told her: "Mommy's right here.  I'm right here.  Mama stays with Charli.  It's going to be okay."  Knowing if she looked at me I needed to appear strong and unafraid, I fought everything within me that wanted to crumple to the floor in a sobbing mess.  I knew seeing me like that would only alarm her more, so I took deep breath and held it in.  

Later, once she was stable and out of immediate danger, the exhaustion from three sleepless nights and the stress of the situation hit me.  Brett came through the door twenty minutes later and of course, seeing my rock, my best friend -- all I could do was let him hold me as it all came out.  While he held me and also cried over his beautiful girl, I noticed out in the hallway two priesthood brethren bringing the Sacrament to hospital patients.  Earlier in the day, I'd wanted to attend the hospital LDS services at 10:30.  But as the hour drew closer, Charlotte was struggling more and more, and naturally I felt I could not leave her.  I had been disappointed not to attend, since I recognized that at this particular time I was more than ever in need of the strength receivable from renewing heavenly covenants.  Seeing these men, I asked Brett to wave them in.  

I expressed my desire to partake of the sacrament and they kindly began to prepare, asking the nurse if she had a plate available for them to use.  She did not, and so they settled for a white napkin.  Somehow that seemed more appropriate -- as though viewing the offering on clean, white "linen" more naturally resembled what our Savior would have offered, had He been there in person.  Foolishly thinking I had my tears under control, my eyes betrayed me and I wept through the prayers that were made solely on my behalf that Sunday afternoon.  I was not alone--even the nurse cried with me as she held onto my baby's little fingers.  

Something stirred within me to see a single piece of bread resting on a white napkin in the palm of the brother's hand, the sacrament cup held by the other brother.  To hear the sacrament prayers being said over one solitary serving at this symbolic partaking emphasized to me the importance of "The One".  The significance that we have to our Father in Heaven.  We ARE "the one" that He leaves the ninety-and-nine for.  WE each are "the one" that young Priesthood holders pray for each Sunday.  

Partaking of that ONE piece of bread, and internalizing that ONE cup of water confirmed in my heart that the Sacrament Ordinance is truly of God.  It is FROM Him, FOR Us.  It is for all of His children, but more importantly it is for us individually.  A witness of His love, His sacrifice, and His companionship came into my heart.  I drew strength from hearing those sacred prayers, knowing I could repent of the mistakes I make and in return always have His spirit to be with me, which I needed so much more that day than usual.   It was a beautiful experience born from a morning filled with anxious, heartfelt pleading that my baby would be watched over.  She was, and so, I discovered, was I.

a Name and a Blessing

Naming and Blessing Children

“Every member of the church of Christ having children is to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and bless them in his name” (D&C 20:70). In conformity with this revelation, only worthy men who hold the Melchizedek Priesthood may participate in naming and blessing children.

In modern revelation, parents who are members of the Church are commanded to bring their children “before the church,” where the elders “are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and bless them in his name” (D&C 20:70). This is why parents bring babies to a sacrament meeting, where an elder—usually the father—gives them aname and a blessing.

I cannot express the gratitude I feel to have the power of the priesthood in my home.  It truly is heaven-sent and a blessing in our lives.  I know that we are extremely fortunate to have a husband and father who wisely honors his priesthood!  


Charlotte's blessing was lovely and heartfelt.  It felt great to have friends and family supporting us.  Some traveled many miles to be there, some traveled just a few but we are thankful each and every one made the effort to be part of our day!  Afterwards we had a luncheon at our house or soup, breadsticks, and - in honor of Grandma B. - some German Cake for dessert!  It was a breathtakingly beautiful day, unseasonably warm and sunny!

More information about priesthood blessings can be found HERE or at the website of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which is www.lds.org.

stepping into the Sunday Spotlight

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when a door closes...

This month I was released from a calling I had in church to work with the young women in the ward (girls 12-18 years old). It happened a couple weeks ago but I have been slow to record my feelings about it since there are so many emotions and it's not easy to sift through them all. I am a list-maker, so I thought I'd just take the practical route and explain to myself what I'm feeling and why.

Initial emotions after being told I was needed elsewhere: frustration and some regret. I was frustrated with God for not feeling the same way I did - that I needed more time, that I wasn't ready to let go, that there were still things I hoped to accomplish with the girls. Nervously I wondered, had I been everything the Lord had needed me to be for the young women?

Second emotion: intense sorrow. You don't work this closely with people (other sisters who served in callings as leaders, the young women themselves) without getting attached. And while I knew I would still see them, I was realistic enough to know it would not be the same. I would not have as many opportunities to visit, to hear of their trials and triumphs, to hug them, to express my love and testimony to them. I shouldn't compare it to this because admittedly it is overdramatic, but for a brief moment it was like a mother being ripped apart from her children. I have loved these girls nearly as dearly as though they were my own. I have poured my heart out in prayer over these girls, sobbed for these girls, pleaded to the Father in their behalf, and strived to know how to best bring them to Christ and help them recognize the Spirit. I have as much desire for their happiness as I do my own children's. The adult women I worked with had taught me humility, compassion, resolve, balance, acceptance, rationality, and love. I was going to miss them dreadfully, too. Without regard to anyone else in the room, I could not control my tears and simply sobbed in the bishop's office.

Next emotion: shock. It was surreal - it felt like I was somewhere else looking down on the situation. The bishop, who is a dear friend, went on to explain the next calling he hoped I would accept but I hardly heard a word of it. My mind was in a fog and I could not believe this day had come and my time with the girls had come to an end. I confess I accepted my new calling as Ward Music Chairperson a bit numbly and a bit robotically.

The next few days I was in a haze and terribly ornery. I felt something I loved doing and being had been taken away. Looking back now I think I also felt unsure about my identity. For so long this had been a huge part of how I spent my time and energy - what now? I took it out on my poor family and it wasn't until nearly a week later that I got on my knees and asked Heavenly Father to help confirm it in my heart that this was indeed the path my life needed to take. It wasn't long before the familiar warmth and comfort of the spirit enveloped me. Peace came to my soul, and although I still felt sad to leave my station, I knew deep within that it was indeed time. It was time for me, for my family, but especially for the girls. Something whispered to my soul, "You've known for a while now that you'd hit a rut. That their progress had plateau'd and you'd been wondering what to do differently to shake things up a bit. You've known and prayed and this is how the Lord is ensuring His daughters have what they need to continue their progression in the gospel."

And then, it was okay.

Relief: I had been told who would be taking my place and I smiled knowing she would take the girls far. She is fun, she is happy, she is faithful, and she has a desire to serve. I know she will put their needs before her own. I know she is what they need. And I'm so very grateful for that.

This was the turning point - this was where any disappointment, regret, insecurity, or even sadness, although not fully removed, now took a back seat and I was able to focus on the positive. I was blessed with the ability to move forward and anticipate the good things that was to come for everyone involved. I actually felt excited! An energy of looking-forward filled me and I just can't wait to see what wonderful blessings are going to come into the lives of these girls that I hold so dear!

Thankfully since then I have embraced my new opportunity and calling. I've felt energized at the prospect of doing something different and contributing to the ward in a new way. I look forward to the blessings that I know will come into my life as I have opportunity to express my testimony of the gospel and my love for the Savior by coordinating music that will invite the Spirit into our meetings and witness of Him.

So now I'm left with one overwhelming emotion and that is GRATITUDE!

It's interesting to look back on times in our lives when we didn't have the full understanding we'd hoped for. Over three years ago, I bitterly and begrudgingly accepted the calling to be the Young Women President. I recall thinking I would have nothing in common with these girls. I recall their resistance to the change as well and what a struggle it was knowing I was not what they wanted. But the Lord knows - he KNOWS - and it was only a few months before I felt more confident in my new position and also had begun developing personal relationships with each young woman. I began to have the desire not just to go through the motions and provide activities for them, but to provide opportunities for growth, for learning, for testimony, for friendship. And in the process, I gained all those blessings as well. It is true that as we bear one another's burdens and serve others with full purpose of heart, we are blessed beyond measure. I will forever be grateful to have had this opportunity. I could have lived my entire life without it and how unchanged I may have been - how far behind in my spiritual progress may I have been! It has taught me to trust in the Lord, because what frequently seems unpleasant or too-challenging or confusing at first always seems to work for our good in the end. This has changed me for the better and Heavenly Father knew from the very beginning that it would.

And oh, how I LOVE Him for that!

"behold, I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord"

Some of us have questions in life we struggle to find answers to. Even questions in the gospel. I'm a believer that everyone owes it to themselves to do their homework, to study the scriptures and words of the prophet, and most of all to PRAY - everyone owes it to themselves to form opinions and know where they stand. Yet there are some areas we mere mortals find to be gray - that's when I have to remind myself that thankfully the Lord has no gray areas. He draws a firm line between black and white. When I have difficulty finding that line, those issues then become "backburner" issues. Issues I'm willing to put on the backburner and wait to receive answers to, because not knowing the answer is not enough to rock my faith or testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and of His restored gospel. These are the issues I'll ask my Maker about face to face...who knows? Maybe I won't even have to ask...maybe I'll get to the other side and some knowledge or memory might be restored to me and I'll think, "Silly me, of course that's 'why'...it makes total sense now..." Gratefully, I don't have many issues that need to rest on that backburner - most questions I have are answered precisely and clearly. The Lord is wonderful like that...that stuff we absolutely need to know, we get to know, as long as we do our part.

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In the hearts of many of our brothers and sisters, there seems to be a controversy surrounding a talk given by an apostle of the Lord at the recent General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was lucky enough to be present when President Boyd K. Packer gave this address, and let me tell you, being there in person I will witness 'til the day I die that there was the Spirit of the Lord in that room and that love, yes LOVE, was there. As he spoke, you could literally feel the love and compassion he has for all of God's children. However, I realize not everyone is feeling that love, and since I do not qualify myself as someone who has the right to offer my opinion on this subject (other than to say I agree with President Packer's talk and wholeheartedly offer my support of it), I did come across a blog post from a fellow member of the church who is striving to overcome feelings of same-sex attraction. My heart goes out to this brother, who should be admired for his honesty and faithful ability to see beyond himself, recognizing that the Lord's plan truly is the Plan of Happiness and that trusting in his standards is the path to true peace. He has given permission for others to repost his words, so I want to include THIS LINK so that others might read the perspective that comes from someone who has a testimony of the gospel and has courageously acknowledged that in order to reach his full potential and receive all blessings that are promised to him, he can and must refrain from any thoughts or activity that goes against the Lord.

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Our temptations might be different from his, but in all other ways we are the same. We're all imperfect people striving to do the right thing. Each of us has our demons, our vices, we're struggling to control and destroy. We are all held to the same standards - just because we as mortals are drawn to certain feelings, whatever they may be, does not mean we, as children of God with a divine inheritance, have the right to indulge in those feelings or desires. Resisting the "natural man" that is in all of us and eventually overcoming ourselves is what will refine us and help us reach our Divine Potential.

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What this man says on his blog is not "gospel". He is not an authorized mouthpiece for the Lord nor is he an authorized representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But I feel his point of view is eloquent, humble, and valuable. President Packer is not perfect. He is a man, a mortal. However, he is an apostle of the Lord, therefore whatever he or any other apostle says, those baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who have commited themselves to accept these men as men of God, should consider prayerfully and with a willing heart. If you have struggled to reconcile yourself with President Packer's words, I encourage you to read this man's perspective.

what are my childrens' hopes, dreams, or fears? do i know?

"Where family meals are concerned, it's not the food, but the family interaction that nourishes the soul... Do you take the time to talk about their hopes and dreams and fears? ...For our interactions to truly touch their hearts, we have to pay attention to them just as we would a trusted adult colleague or close friend. Most important is letting them talk, then asking them questions, then being willing to listen. Yes, listen. And listen some more."

am I letting it take over?

Last night someone said something that really made me think. It made me realize that it's very possible I spend more time on my calling than is healthy. She and I had an "email conversation "about it and this is what I told her:

Lately I feel like my calling can be compared to some type of aggressive flower, like Tall Phlox… It’s beautiful and is a wonderful addition to your garden. It enhances your garden (your life) and brings you great joy. However, if you’re not careful, it can become excessive and invasively spread, taking over all the other beautiful plants in your garden. Does that make sense? I love my calling. I love, love, LOVE the women I serve with. I love the girls. I appreciate how my own testimony has re-emerged stronger and better. However, I am finding it extremely difficult to find the fine line between serving with all I can and yet not letting it overrun my life. It’s a balance I just cannot seem to master. There is a power struggle: trying to have “a life”, and yet trying to do all I can to feel as though I’m successfully contributing in my calling. I’m a bit at a loss…when I think about what I have to do, and think about cutting back on it, all my mind can focus on is all the possible consequences of not doing it or getting it done.

How do others serve so phenomenally in their challenging church callings and yet maintain a healthy balance? What's the secret???