when a door closes...

This month I was released from a calling I had in church to work with the young women in the ward (girls 12-18 years old). It happened a couple weeks ago but I have been slow to record my feelings about it since there are so many emotions and it's not easy to sift through them all. I am a list-maker, so I thought I'd just take the practical route and explain to myself what I'm feeling and why.

Initial emotions after being told I was needed elsewhere: frustration and some regret. I was frustrated with God for not feeling the same way I did - that I needed more time, that I wasn't ready to let go, that there were still things I hoped to accomplish with the girls. Nervously I wondered, had I been everything the Lord had needed me to be for the young women?

Second emotion: intense sorrow. You don't work this closely with people (other sisters who served in callings as leaders, the young women themselves) without getting attached. And while I knew I would still see them, I was realistic enough to know it would not be the same. I would not have as many opportunities to visit, to hear of their trials and triumphs, to hug them, to express my love and testimony to them. I shouldn't compare it to this because admittedly it is overdramatic, but for a brief moment it was like a mother being ripped apart from her children. I have loved these girls nearly as dearly as though they were my own. I have poured my heart out in prayer over these girls, sobbed for these girls, pleaded to the Father in their behalf, and strived to know how to best bring them to Christ and help them recognize the Spirit. I have as much desire for their happiness as I do my own children's. The adult women I worked with had taught me humility, compassion, resolve, balance, acceptance, rationality, and love. I was going to miss them dreadfully, too. Without regard to anyone else in the room, I could not control my tears and simply sobbed in the bishop's office.

Next emotion: shock. It was surreal - it felt like I was somewhere else looking down on the situation. The bishop, who is a dear friend, went on to explain the next calling he hoped I would accept but I hardly heard a word of it. My mind was in a fog and I could not believe this day had come and my time with the girls had come to an end. I confess I accepted my new calling as Ward Music Chairperson a bit numbly and a bit robotically.

The next few days I was in a haze and terribly ornery. I felt something I loved doing and being had been taken away. Looking back now I think I also felt unsure about my identity. For so long this had been a huge part of how I spent my time and energy - what now? I took it out on my poor family and it wasn't until nearly a week later that I got on my knees and asked Heavenly Father to help confirm it in my heart that this was indeed the path my life needed to take. It wasn't long before the familiar warmth and comfort of the spirit enveloped me. Peace came to my soul, and although I still felt sad to leave my station, I knew deep within that it was indeed time. It was time for me, for my family, but especially for the girls. Something whispered to my soul, "You've known for a while now that you'd hit a rut. That their progress had plateau'd and you'd been wondering what to do differently to shake things up a bit. You've known and prayed and this is how the Lord is ensuring His daughters have what they need to continue their progression in the gospel."

And then, it was okay.

Relief: I had been told who would be taking my place and I smiled knowing she would take the girls far. She is fun, she is happy, she is faithful, and she has a desire to serve. I know she will put their needs before her own. I know she is what they need. And I'm so very grateful for that.

This was the turning point - this was where any disappointment, regret, insecurity, or even sadness, although not fully removed, now took a back seat and I was able to focus on the positive. I was blessed with the ability to move forward and anticipate the good things that was to come for everyone involved. I actually felt excited! An energy of looking-forward filled me and I just can't wait to see what wonderful blessings are going to come into the lives of these girls that I hold so dear!

Thankfully since then I have embraced my new opportunity and calling. I've felt energized at the prospect of doing something different and contributing to the ward in a new way. I look forward to the blessings that I know will come into my life as I have opportunity to express my testimony of the gospel and my love for the Savior by coordinating music that will invite the Spirit into our meetings and witness of Him.

So now I'm left with one overwhelming emotion and that is GRATITUDE!

It's interesting to look back on times in our lives when we didn't have the full understanding we'd hoped for. Over three years ago, I bitterly and begrudgingly accepted the calling to be the Young Women President. I recall thinking I would have nothing in common with these girls. I recall their resistance to the change as well and what a struggle it was knowing I was not what they wanted. But the Lord knows - he KNOWS - and it was only a few months before I felt more confident in my new position and also had begun developing personal relationships with each young woman. I began to have the desire not just to go through the motions and provide activities for them, but to provide opportunities for growth, for learning, for testimony, for friendship. And in the process, I gained all those blessings as well. It is true that as we bear one another's burdens and serve others with full purpose of heart, we are blessed beyond measure. I will forever be grateful to have had this opportunity. I could have lived my entire life without it and how unchanged I may have been - how far behind in my spiritual progress may I have been! It has taught me to trust in the Lord, because what frequently seems unpleasant or too-challenging or confusing at first always seems to work for our good in the end. This has changed me for the better and Heavenly Father knew from the very beginning that it would.

And oh, how I LOVE Him for that!

She's Here!

Sweet Ruby finally joined her new family yesterday and we simply could not be more thrilled! She's sweet, soft, and ready to play! This little girl and I are gonna get along just fine!!!

Brett had sprained his ankle Saturday night (more to come on that later) and I was a little nervous to drive the 45 minutes home by myself with the puppy, so I asked one of my beautiful young women to come with me and help out. I'm so glad I had Kylie there to keep Ruby happy and calm the whole way home!

When we pulled onto our street, I had to stop the car in the middle of the road because my children, and several of the neighborhood children, swarmed the car to get a first-glimpse of the new dog - it was like Ruby had her own paparazzi!

Wyatt enjoyed showing her off to his best buddy, Maryn

Ruby was so excited and seemed to take to all of us right away - she was running and playing, licking our fingers and wagging her adorable tail! She's already put two-and-two together that I'm "mom" and so far am her favorite snuggling buddy.

Our cute neighbor, Quinn, was so precious with the dog - I loved watching her face light up and smile whenever Ruby walked over to her

The kids were beside themselves with giddiness! (is that a word?)

Ruby's stats:

Birth Date: Dec. 7, 2010

(Pearl Harbor Day - easy to remember.

Maybe we should have named her Pearl?)

Weight: 1 1/4 lbs.

Height: 7 1/2" (head to foot)

Length: 9 3/4" (head to tail)

General Conference October 2010

As always General Conference in October was enlightening and again amazed me with how so many different speakers' chosen words can come together so well! I was especially interested in how often the "14 Fundamentals of Following the Prophet" came up. Our Conference weekend was filled with munchies and treats (veggie platters, fresh fruit, smoothies, and um...chocolate) and enjoying time in our jammies together as a family while we listened to our church leaders. I even lucked out and got to go to the Sunday morning session, along with a spirit-filled Music and the Spoken Word, with 3 of my young women!

Conference Saturday always starts out deliciously

with chewy bagels and tasty cream cheese from Rich's in Holladay

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I was so proud of all three kids; they were extra reverent this time around, even Carson. I was particularly impressed by Wyatt - he watched all four sessions, even when his big sister and little brother chose to play during some of the talks he stuck around and took notes in his notebook. In his note-taking, mostly he just wrote words or short sentences he heard, but I thought it was a great first-step into really listening and striving to retain the messages from our holy prophets. Some of his notes were so cute, I couldn't resist snapping a picture of them:
Left side: "As he spake by the mouth of His holy prophets who have been since the world began."

Ride side: "Hawaii Temple / Every young man should go on a mission. / You are field our dig. / I've never been a leader. [Remember the talk where the speaker had quoted someone as saying, "I've never been a leader."?] / To all moms and dads."

Left Side: "God's work / Art of Body / God's Temple / And his sons for many years ' run faster / what means 'family'." Right Side: "A brother's truth and trust" [ I love that he did TRUTH as 'CHROOTH' and TRUST as 'CHRUST' ]

Another page I didn't photograph says:
"Take my hand / Lets go down the path / you can start down the path of God / We LISSIN and feel HAPPY NISS / We love the Lord"

To me, the words he chose to write down speak volumes about the sprouting of a mighty testimony. This sounds totally braggy, but I say this knowing we as his parents don't have as much [if anything] to do with it as the Holy Ghost and Wyatt's free agency, which in this case was used very wisely, but I can't help but mentioning how AWESOME and POWERFUL I think he will be as an elder in the church if he continues to make such righteous decisions as he is now at age six. I learn a great deal from my son everyday (someday soon I'll post about Smiles for Service) and am grateful for the opportunity to have a spirit so sweet and so 'filled-with-a-desire-to-do-good' in my home. I am truly blessed to be his mother and to be his sister in the gospel!

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We also played a game as a family that proved to be a big hit, so I'm sure we'll do it again (chocolate is an amazing motivator). To keep the drowsiness at bay, everyone picked a word and each time they heard a speaker say their word, they got an M & M. Brett didn't have anyone fooled when he chose his word to be "THE"...

Halle, goin' for another M & M....

Here are the boys scribbling their notes

new friends, down-under style!

We have had the most awesome experience in young womens this spring. I have struck up a friendship with an Australian YW leader named Lisa King. Lisa told another Aussie YW leader, Shannon McKinley, about our correspondence and since Shannon had plans to visit America anyway, Shannon and her husband Richard made time to stop by for a quick visit. It was wonderful! We so enjoyed getting to know the McKinley's and feel they are treasured friends already. Halle has become penpals with their daughter Shakira and Shannon and I continue to write. The McKinley's as well as Lisa King live on Tasmania which is south of Australia (or Tassie, as they call it). Our young women and their young women exchange letters every couple months and it has been a real treat! I hope we all get a chance to visit in person again someday!

~~~~~~~~~~~

We invited our bishop and his parents, The Langelands,

over for dinner during the visit since the Langelands had just

been called to be mission presidents in Australia.

Our kids adored all the attention and fawning from Shannon and Richard! And we even got fun Aussie surprises: Shannon gave me an Australian Flag apron which I LOVE and for our family and the young women they brought ANZAC biscuits (cookies) and lollies (sweets) from Australia. My favorites were by far the Jaffas!

I find myself stronger and more in tune

Well, I finished it.

*

After one year of reading and studying, taking my time for cross-referencing and prayerful observation, I have completed reading the Book of Mormon for the fourth time in my life. This may not be the first read, but I have to say this has been the most meaningful one. Reading it as a teenager in high school was probably the most informative and educational, receiving insight and instruction from seminary teachers, but this time around has proven to have had the most influence in my daily life. I credit that to coupling my reading with prayer. I was more aware of the need to have my Heavenly Father's help as I read. Each morning, before even cracking the book open, I'd pray and ask Heavenly Father to assist me in understanding the words, meanings, symbolisms, and timetable. I asked Him to help clear my mind of other things as I tried to steady my focus. I asked to feel the Spirit and to be able to find something each day that I can apply in my own life, something that would help me feel closer to Him as I continued throughout my daily activities. I tried to take time following each day's reading to simply sit in the quiet and reflect upon my feelings and what I had just read. Sometimes I prayed again, asking for clarification or expressing my gratitude. Prayer became a partner to the reading and I think that's what made the biggest difference. The scriptures became very personal and most of all I felt I received more personal revelation during this time of study than ever before. Reading the scriptures has truly become key to feeling the hand of the Lord in my life and knowing His will and love for me.

*

I'm almost sad to have this come to an end and find myself anxious to begin again. I started reading last June because we had challenged the young men and women in the ward to read everyday -- I have to say I believe those that actually took on the opportunity are only a small percentage, but I hope that this reading challenge gave at least one youth similar feelings to mine. In my eyes, it all would have then been a success. I know it was for me!

as daughters of God, our nature is divine

A few Sundays ago I gave the lesson in our Young Women meeting. Teaching and I have a love/hate relationship. I relish the opportunity to study a topic in detail, learning new things about my assignment as well as myself. However, I am very uncomfortable teaching these teenage girls. I am not being humble, but rather very honest when I say that I am not a "good" teacher. I do enough to fumble my way through my forty minutes of instruction (I use that word lightly) but I talk too much, and yet don't ever seem to be able to really get across the message I feel in my heart. Thankfully the young women and YW leaders put up with me, and for their sakes I am glad I do not have to teach more than once every few months! I do however want to blog a bit (for my own recollection) about that particular lesson and the message that is so appropriate for our times.

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The idea of the lesson was that keeping the commandments helps us reach our full potential as daughters of God, thus fulfilling our roles in the Lord's Plan of Happiness. But what I got most out of it was the definitions of our "Divine Roles". As women, literally spirit daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have divinely appointed roles that must be fulfilled to ensure the success of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.

Those roles are for us to become:

Wives & Equal Partners with an Eternal Companion

Loving Mothers

Teacers to our families and all those around us

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To me the definition of divine means "of an eternal nature"--something that started before I came to earth and something that will continue on after our time in mortality has ended. Divine also means to me that it originated with Someone greater than myself, Someone of Divinity. So how do these definitions signify our Divine Roles? It tells me that there are wonderful things we can do in this life. As women in the year 2010 there are opportunities our predecessors could only have dreamed about. Practically nothing, no dream, no goal, is unobtainable, so long as we are willing to work hard and sacrifice. And I'm all for it--worthy goals and ambitions. Why shouldn't we reach high and accomplish much? But we must not lose sight of those roles that have an eternal nature. Our Divine Roles not only complete the Lord's Plan, but ultimately are what will bring us the most happiness. Our Heavenly Father loves us and wants good things for us. It would only make sense that He would create roles for women that would enhance their lives, make them better. Satan knows this, and since he wants to make everyone as miserable as himself, and since his greatest desire is also to thwart a plan centered on bringing souls to Christ, he knows that if he can destroy the far-reaching influence and power that comes through a righteous woman, of course that will be a target upon which he places great emphasis. Think about it--how much of the world today (society, media, etc) would have you believe that the role of motherhood, the role of creating a home, of being a loyal & devoted wife, is weak, old-fashioned and out-of-date? Where do you think the root of these ideas and opinions stems from? Or perhaps a better question is from whom?

-

We should strive to do great things in this life, but as we do so, let us not forget that the greatest roles we can fulfill are roles of divinity and accompany eternal blessings, and that fighting for them, fighting to be great within them, are the most worthy strivings of all.

-(Painting by Mary Cassatt, "Breakfast in Bed")

am I letting it take over?

Last night someone said something that really made me think. It made me realize that it's very possible I spend more time on my calling than is healthy. She and I had an "email conversation "about it and this is what I told her:

Lately I feel like my calling can be compared to some type of aggressive flower, like Tall Phlox… It’s beautiful and is a wonderful addition to your garden. It enhances your garden (your life) and brings you great joy. However, if you’re not careful, it can become excessive and invasively spread, taking over all the other beautiful plants in your garden. Does that make sense? I love my calling. I love, love, LOVE the women I serve with. I love the girls. I appreciate how my own testimony has re-emerged stronger and better. However, I am finding it extremely difficult to find the fine line between serving with all I can and yet not letting it overrun my life. It’s a balance I just cannot seem to master. There is a power struggle: trying to have “a life”, and yet trying to do all I can to feel as though I’m successfully contributing in my calling. I’m a bit at a loss…when I think about what I have to do, and think about cutting back on it, all my mind can focus on is all the possible consequences of not doing it or getting it done.

How do others serve so phenomenally in their challenging church callings and yet maintain a healthy balance? What's the secret???

thanks, n@.

Last night the Foxboro 4th Ward, along with other wards from our stake, was graced and honored by the presence and words of Ms. Natalie Hill at a Youth Fireside. Some of you might recognize Natalie from either her blog, "Mormon in Manhattan" (a.k.a. "NO Sex In the City"), or perhaps from her most recent stint as the amazing Ellen in Pioneer Theatre Company's Miss Saigon. After communicating via blog and email for the past couple months, Natalie and I were able to arrange this lovely fireside sponsored by our ward. Natalie, I hope you got a feel of how AWESOME and INSPIRING your words were when, after the closing prayer, you were practically mobbed by the group of teenage girls. They were obviously enamored by your personality and admired your ability to "stand for something in a world that stands for nothing". I was especially grateful for the advice you gave to the youth on how to be a friend to others, genuinely loving them despite the fact that they may not share our values, and yet still upholding your own standards, being an example to them as you remain true to who you are and who Heavenly Father wants you to be. I enjoyed your analogy of the tree and our values. My favorite was how you compared FAITH to the leaves of the tree...grounded to our INTEGRITY and DIVINE NATURE, yet somewhat putting ourselves out there, to be tested by the wind. So, thank you, Sister Hill, for making time for us. Your schedule has been insane lately, so I truly appreciate you. I hope the late flight home didn't feel too much like a "red-eye" and that you enjoy being back in New York. Break a leg at your audition today with Uncle Jesse! (yum.)

I can be "visited", too...

Brett got me new scriptures for my new calling (Young Womens...Woo hoo!) and I just love them. It's the snap-button kind, so I'm happy I don't have to carry around a case anymore...I already have too much to carry at church!

Check out those crisp new pages!

~

The best part is that it has made me excited about reading them again. For some reason after having kids it was just so difficult for me to do that. I wanted to, but it seemed I could never stay awake once I'd opened them. I remembered back in high school having such a love for the scriptures. In my journal from those days I talked about reading them nearly every day--the testimony I had of them, the hunger I had to read them more and more. I wanted to feel that way again. When the new Young Womens presidency members were set apart, each blessing was different. But the one common thread was the promise given to each of us that if we would incorporate the scriptures into our daily lives, we would be blessed with inspiration and peace. When I left the bishop's office, I felt motivated and had a desire to do everything I could to invite the Spirit into my life so that I could truly be a tool in the hands of the Lord for our young women as well as my family. I'm proud of myself and happy to say that I've been reading them everyday for a week now (that might not seem like much to some, but for me it's more than I've done in a very long time). I truly have felt a difference in my life. I'm a more patient mother. I'm prioritizing other aspects of my life better. I feel as though I'm more in-tune. And it's fun to have new scriptures that aren't so "marked up". I'm able to take a fresh approach to scriptures I've read before and find new meanings. Kind of like a clean slate that can inspire my life as it is now. Does that make sense? One scripture I read in a new light was:

2 Nephi 2:16

"...having great desires to know the mysteries of God, wherefore,

I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me,

and did soften my heart that I did believe all

the words which had been spoken..."

For some reason, in the past I had always interpreted this scripture to mean that the Lord actually physically visited Nephi. Perhaps it's probably obvious to most that He didn't, but until I read it last week, it never occurred to me that the Lord "visited" Nephi in the same way he can and does visit me and the majority of other people: through the Spirit. I read the footnotes in Alma and Doctrine and Covenants. I think that before I almost felt like, "Yeah, but Nephi was the son of a great prophet. And eventually he was a prophet himself. His spiritual level was that of someone whom the Lord would visit. I'm just me. I'm not a great spiritual leader." Somehow, knowing that Nephi's prayers were not answered in some grand vision, but rather, through the spirit, made me feel less insignificant, less unworthy of the Lord's attention. And Nephi made it sound so large-scale. He made it sound as though he and the Lord had an actual conversation. Maybe I need to have a different perspective with my daily prayers; I need to recognize that communication through the spirit is something I've taken for granted. It made me realize that I need to treat that blessing of the Holy Ghost as more of a 'big deal', looking at it as though the Lord and I are having a verbal conversation One-on-one. Anyway, like I said, this may be simple-minded, but I just found it interesting how one little scripture could come across so new to me and bring to light these thoughts and feelings.

P.S. Is that a buff Nephi picture, or what??? I found it on a Janeen Brady website.